71. Live from NBC 4!
A: I missed the TV news last night. What was on?
B: Nothing that would pass as news.
A: What′s the weather going to be like this weekend?
B: I don′t know. Whenever the weather comes on, I switch channels.
A: What was the lead story on the news?
B: Some actress was in court for driving without a license.
A: What was the second story?
B: Some actor married a woman young enough to be his daughter.
A: What was the third story?
B: A bull chased a man in a supermarket.
A: Wasn′t there anything about Octo-Mom?
B: Of course. She′s going to hire a nanny for her eight infants.
72. Life after Death
A: What are you going to do about your death?
B: Well, mostly I′ll try to avoid it.
A: I mean, are you going to get buried or cremated?
B: My wife and I will be cremated.
A: Are you going to be buried next to each other?
B: Oh, no. Our ashes will be shaken into the ocean.
A: You′re not going to be buried?
B: A coffin costs too much and takes up too much space.
A: Yes, but it will be in a cemetery where your children can visit you.
B: Children seldom visit their parents in a cemetery.
A: That′s true. A cemetery is for dead people, not living people.
A: We figure our kids can visit us whenever they go to the beach.
73. Wipe Your Feet
A: Did you wipe your feet?
B: Yes, of course I wiped my feet.
A: Then why is there mud on the carpet?
B: I don′t know. It′s not my mud.
A: Well, someone brought it into the house.
B: Look at the bottom of my shoes—they′re clean.
A: Of course they′re clean. You left all the mud on the carpet.
B: Okay, I′ll get the vacuum cleaner.
A: Don′t vacuum it now.
B: Don′t you want me to clean up the mud?
A: Wait till it dries. It will be easier to vacuum.
B: Next time I will be more careful.
74. Mother′s Day
A: What are you getting for your mom?
B: What are you talking about?
A: Sunday is Mother′s Day.
B: This Sunday?
A: Of course. It′s all over the news.
B: I thought it was next Sunday.
A: Well, you′d better get her something.
B: I′ll get her a nice card.
A: Is that it?
B: Yes. That′s all I ever give her.
A: She raised you, and all you ever give her is a card?
B: It′s okay. She knows that I love her.
75. A New Flag
A: I don′t like our flag.
B: What′s the matter with it?
A: It′s too much like other flags.
B: Yes, a lot of flags have stripes.
A: A flag should be pretty.
B: What should our flag look like?
A: It should have a pretty woman on it.
B: That′s ridiculous!
A: You don′t like pretty women?
B: Of course I do. But not on our flag!
A: Every nation should have a pretty woman on their flag.
B: You can′t go to war carrying a flag with a woman on it!
76. Work up an Appetite
A: I had a busy morning.
B: What did you do?
A: I watered all the plants.
B: You have a lot of plants.
A: Then I did my laundry.
B: That takes some time.
A: I took the dog for a walk.
B: I′ll bet he enjoyed his walk.
A: I vacuumed the entire house.
B: That′s a lot of work.
A: And then I made lunch.
B: I′ll bet you were hungry!
77. Dialing for a Dollar
A: I don′t have long distance service with my home phone.
B: So how do you make long distance calls?
A: I use a calling card.
B: Where do you get that?
A: I buy it at the dollar store.
B: How much is it?
A: It′s one dollar for 100 minutes.
B: That′s only a penny a minute!
A: It′s a great price. But you have to dial a lot of numbers.
B: How many?
A: First you dial seven numbers, then ten numbers, then ten more numbers.
B: Yikes. I think I′ll keep my long distance service.